I'm not sure if you believe in god. Maybe you believe in Buddha? Or Allah? Whatever you choose to call that one big good thing... i have this theory about them. I think that when we're messing up, i mean really messing up. They have this way of putting road blocks in the way so that once we've screwed things up and hit rock bottom they are what we turn to because lets face it, what else have we got left? Who's going to love us when we've pushed everything stable and good away. I'm guessing that answer is god.. I'm not preaching, i promise you i wont be doing that. I'm just thinking alot right now. Things need to change...and i guess i'm the only one who can do that huh?

In other news, being an adult sucks. i pay for everything.. and screw freedom. When i'm not working or in class i'm doing laundry and cleaning. i'm working a double shift tomorrow and i'm begging people to let me work that night for them so i have some extra money on my pay check so i can pay off bills. Its horrible. I had to ask my mom for money this week, that blew. So i'm complaining, which again is Not a attractive feature. i need to go to sleep so i can get up in 5 hours. Night night.

To you.

I hate looking at people and saying "i dated HIM?" or "i kissed Them?!". I hate the "what was i thinking?"... i hate it because i feel pity for that person. I feel horrible having a thought like that because as much as i dont want to admit it, the person i left behind is still a person. They still breathe, walk and talk. They are still very real even though i refuse to admit it. Even though i put them in the farthest part of my mind, i know some where they are doing more then sitting and staring at walls like i imagine.

I guess what i'm really getting at here is i dont want you to be one of those people. I want you here, next to me every single day. I want to be reassured that your just as human as i am and i never want to push that out of my mind. Because in this weird, shoot me in the face way i'm crazy about you. I love the way you make me angry but can kiss me and make things better just a quick...and i hate when you say your sorry, because i know you really are. And i hate that it takes you a half an hour to decide if your going some where, and when you get there your having the time of your life almost instantaneously. Or that we can sit in absolute silence, and everything we needed to talk about gone. You bug me, you drive me absolutely crazy 99 percent of the time and thats what i love. I'm not in love with you, i doubt that i'll ever be. But i can say i love the idea of a you.

i'm going for a walk. Have a nice day.

open eyes.

Sometimes, i think we get so warped up in the little things we forget to see the bigger picture. There are so many people tugging us in different directions we forget what we would really want. Lately i have not impressed myself. I've done things that i dont necessarily regret, i'm just not overly excited to think about the repercussions. I think its probably high time that i cut alot of things out of my life and walk away from a few people that arent going to make things easier. I think it was a long time coming but i'm glad i finally woke up.

i'm going to take a shower and go to work. i hope your day is equally as eye opening.

Waste.

listen, i know i'm whining alot lately. And i'm sure its very annoying but there are so many things inside of me i feel like if i dont say i'll explode.
I hate being second best, and almost feels natural now, thats where i'm put. My best friends call me when their boyfriends are busy. When they cant find anyone else to hang out with. And my friends, when you know your scraping the bottom of the barrel its not a awesome feeling.
When mr. right now only comes to you when he cant get your pretty friend to look at him.
When your pretty friends ex-boyfriend seeks you out and wants to be your best friend...until your pretty friend, now turned enemy wants him back.
I know i'm being a huge baby right now, but just one time. I want to be someones first choice... i just want to know you thought me before looking at the other choices. Like i said, i should probably stop whining, its not at attractive feature. I just needed to get some stupid stuff out there.
Have a good night.

Silly.

The hardest thing in the world about wanting someone, is that even if you were to get them. Even if things did fall into the place, you cant really have them. Not all of them. Because your so scared of the things they've done in the past. The times they said "i'll change" but never did The times they promised things would never be this way again, but when you woke up the next morning it was all the same. I guess, maybe i just get sick of waiting... but i'm so wrapped up in you that i dont want to let this go. Maybe its been dragged on for way to long, but maybe i'm starting not to care... I hate these things that i cant change. I hate that even if i could, it wouldnt belong to me. I hate that even if everything worked out the way i imagine in my little fairytale world i still couldnt win.

just for the record.. i contradict myself constantly. i say i dont believe in love, but i want it just as bad as the next girl. I'm sorry.
um. i cant wait for summer.
Anyways. i hope your having a good day.

Cry. Crying. Cried.

i've spent my entire 18 years trying to avoid emotion. i hate crying, its just not something i "do". i'm to proud to sit around and mope about "what could have been". i wont do it and i dont want to. I dont want to be weak and put at other peoples disposal. Its terrifying. Before this month, the last time i'd really honestly cried was 4th of July.

I've cried twice this month. Once over some boy, which totally wasnt worth it but being to proud to admit it i told myself it was because i was more pissed then hurt. If i'm going to be honest with myself its because i actually trusted he wouldnt hurt me. He pinkyswore he wouldn't break my heart, well... that was a mistake huh? He was a misjudgment, but life goes on. The second was over the crappy week i'd had last week.

Please dont take this blog the wrong way, i'm not asking for pity, i hate pity. I hate when people bitch and moan and cry. Its actually a major pet peeve of mine. I'm just reflecting on all this junk going on in my head i guess. Anyways. i hope your having a good day.

Understood.

Right now i think its all about finding where i belong... and i'm certian Alpena it. Which is why next summer i'll be moving to Chicago.
In other news, it seems like everyone is coupling off. As sweet and precious as it is..and as happy as i am for them its kind of maybe a little bit annoying as hell.
As i'm sure you know... there are boys and there are girls. Boys think to solve problems. Girls think to see and understand emotion. Boys want to hook up, girls want to fall in love. We do not see the same. We do not feel the same. We are not the same.. We want two different things.
Sex Vs. Love
Although theres always the Does love equal sex or vise versa argument.
Does love even really exist? I want to believe in it. I try so hard every day to believe in love. I mean, i believe in the whole common human nature love... but maybe i'm kidding myself, maybe real cant eat cant sleep love doesnt exist. I dont know.

Goodnight.

Footprints.

I was talking with someone today about what we thought love was and how it changes over time. I told him that i thought love was never having to say your sorry, fighting over stupid things but forgiving each other and being eighty years old and feeling the same way you did about that person when you were twenty.

I've never been in love. I wish i could say i have, but its just never clicked because i dont think true love ever really goes away.i think if you love someone, you love them for life and thats just how it is forever. I guess i could be wrong, and i could be naive.. but i'm holding out this hope that i'm right.


as as for you: i know we're kind of in a mess right now...but i have faith we'll dig outselves out of it and things will be ok. So if you could just stick around for a while...or forever maybe i can change that never being in love thing. What do you think?

thanks dude.

Bare.

I think the bond between sisters is amazing.
i was reading a blog of a wonderful gal i know (you can read it too! thingsalreadytold.blogspot.com) and she was talking about tattoos and it reminded me..."oh hey! i'm getting a tattoo soon!" its for my sister. "forever, for always and no matter what". I think that sums up our lives. Our 8 years of difference and a life time of the same.

Right now, my sister is driving 300 miles to Little Alpena Michigan. You would think she is driving up here for the family emergency(disaster) that occurred on Easter... or maybe my grandfathers surgery on Wednesday. Neither. She is driving here because she knows i, her baby sister, cannot handle this alone. She's giving up an entire week of work, doctors apps and countless other things because she doesnt want me to take it on by myself. My sister is the best. i was sitting in ER last night with my mother and my step father. He was getting mad because my mother had to call her sister at 10:30 at night and let her know what was going on. He didnt want her to call and disrupt their easter but she felt she deserved to know. He kept jokingly grabbing the phone and lecturing her when i finally look at him and said "Do you have a brother or sister?" his answer was no. I then reminded him that he doesnt know where the bond lies in that case.

i then started thinking, what i if i didnt have a sister? Who would i turn to. What an awful idea...to be alone. To not having anyone who can understand you the way your sibling does. My sister and i bare no secrets. We are 100% honest all the time. Which i think is kind of awsome. I dont know if we're abnormal, but if we are i'm kind of thankful for that right now.

i guess i just needed a mini rant today. I'm going to the hospital now.
thanks.

Rockabye.

Have you ever heard the song "Lullaby" by Shawn Mullins? I'm sure you have. When i was a little girl my mom would sing it to me when i was having a bad day. Its corny, she actually used to sing to me alot when i was little... anyways, I've loved that song since then.

When my parents were getting a divorce, my boyfriend at the time used to sing the same song to me. He was like that one person who would stand still when everything was changing, i hurt him really bad towards the end of our relationship and i dont think i've ever really completely forgiven myself. But some how, he did. We still have a really awesome relationship for the way things went. He's that one person i can tell absolutely everything to. He's such a great person but things between us could never work out the way we both wanted. Which is really sad.

What i'm getting at here, i guess is that i think everyone has one song they identify with their entire life. I think that one is mine. Once again, that i've started to listen to that song all the time, which means that everything is beginning to change. I'm not sure i'm ready for everything thats coming my way, its really scary this whole graduation thing. This idea that after June 6th i am who ever i want for the rest of my life. I mean, i think i know all this stuff about life but the truth is? I live in Northern Michigan. I dont know anything about life. Which is absolutely terrifying.

Anyways. Its getting late.

But hey, if your reading this? even if you hate everything i've said so far, if you wanted to let me know..that'd be kind of sweet.

Something New.

I cannot promise that i will always remember to write, or that things will be any kind of consistent. I'm no anne frank, please remember that. I change my mind all the time, and i pace the house when i'm lonely. I'm not good at the art of conversation. Most of the time i'll pretend that i have it all together when i dont have the slightest idea of whats going on. So here we go, i guess. Let the blogging begin.