I said something today, i didnt expect to hear myself say. I kissed the boy today, and after i pulled away i said "I love you". He didnt hear me, he actually didnt notice anyway was wrong till i put both my hands over my mouth and apologized. Then he began prodding me with questions about what was wrong and what i said. Obviously i didnt tell him, because what if he doesnt feel that what... i dont even know if I feel that way to be honest.. Maybe it was just something i subconsciously thought was appropriate.
Love. thats scary.. I dont want to love him until i can, until its safe to do so. And me, loving someone. Like real, romantic love? i dont know... i've never been in love and that seems dangerous to me. So unreal and out of my eliminate. I've never aloud myself to be this vulnerable, the idea is terrifying. Another thing, trust. He tells me i need to trust him although he knows trust isnt something i'm much capable of. He expects caution to be thrown to the wind and give him my trust. Dont get me wrong, he's a nice person but he has a past that i dont know if i can just let go of. I dont want to be wondering when i'm not with him where he is.
I really dont know what i want. I know i want this boy every single day... but its so scary.
I think i'm going to have that whole trust vs. past conversation with him tonight. I'll keep you updated.
I know sometimes i'm probably whiny but please let me know someone, anyone is listening to me.
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