I think i love you.

I said something today, i didnt expect to hear myself say. I kissed the boy today, and after i pulled away i said "I love you". He didnt hear me, he actually didnt notice anyway was wrong till i put both my hands over my mouth and apologized. Then he began prodding me with questions about what was wrong and what i said. Obviously i didnt tell him, because what if he doesnt feel that what... i dont even know if I feel that way to be honest.. Maybe it was just something i subconsciously thought was appropriate.

Love. thats scary.. I dont want to love him until i can, until its safe to do so. And me, loving someone. Like real, romantic love? i dont know... i've never been in love and that seems dangerous to me. So unreal and out of my eliminate. I've never aloud myself to be this vulnerable, the idea is terrifying. Another thing, trust. He tells me i need to trust him although he knows trust isnt something i'm much capable of. He expects caution to be thrown to the wind and give him my trust. Dont get me wrong, he's a nice person but he has a past that i dont know if i can just let go of. I dont want to be wondering when i'm not with him where he is.


I really dont know what i want. I know i want this boy every single day... but its so scary.

I think i'm going to have that whole trust vs. past conversation with him tonight. I'll keep you updated.

I know sometimes i'm probably whiny but please let me know someone, anyone is listening to me.

Secret.

i dont think you should tell any one person everything. What if everything changes, what if that one person cant hold your secrets anymore and they let them free.

i think the first time you tell someone one particular secret is always the scariest, because after you say it you can never take it back. Its been released into this world of car horns and dog barks. Once its out there the words no longer belong to only you. They belong to that other person too, they can use them for what ever purpose they desire and thats scary...really scary. Especially if those words are ones that could potentially ruin everything you have. Maybe they wont, maybe those words will stay hidden in the deepest darkest part of them, but maybe they wont.

i think thats just terrifying.

Honest.

are kind of a hott mess..


boy and i are seriously working on changing things and making them better although nothing is set in stone.
When it comes to trust i'm really on the fence about it. Sometimes i trust people to much, sometimes to little. Currently i dont trust people alot, because when i go into things i go into them whole heartedly... so instead of getting hurt constantly i reserve myself. My exterior personality changes depending on the day and the person. I dont know.. With him things are just, different. I dont know how one person could possibly bug me so much but make me so crazy. We talk every night before bed, its cute. Buttttt i'm stay reserved because i would really appreciate my heart not being broken.


I think i decided what i want for my first tattoo.
"Laugh with your whole body and Love with your whole heart". I love it. i think i want it on one of my feet. Oh! i got a new car. its really cute.