Beautiful.

I remember waking up on summer mornings with a heart full of wonder. Not knowing what the day would bring but knowing that dinner was at 7, and bed time was 10:30. I remember bike rides with my best friend at the age of 8 through the trails in the woods near my house. I remember everything. Ten years isnt a large amount of time in the grand scheme of things, but to a individual its an entirely different world.


I am now 18 years old. The difference is that i dont know alot of things. My heart is half full of wonder and half full of a jaded knowing. Dinner is when i get hungry, bed time is when i cant keep my eyes open much longer. I get up every morning and go to work so i can pay my bills and attempt to pay for college. This life is so much different then i thought. I'm not saying thats bad, i'm just saying i'm not who i expected to be. Which is fantastic and bewildering.


Life is beautiful.

Shh.

i hate secrets.
I hate having to hide something when i am brimming with joy over it. I feel like i should be completely ashamed but i'm not.. not even a little bit. So why does it seem that my counterpart should be equally happy when he's not. Why are we so quite when things seem so loud. I want to scream and tell everyone while he treats it like a burden... it gets me thinking that i'm a burden. That i'm playing second best to someone else..
.and then i remember that i am.


Its pretty silly, this waiting game we're playing. Waiting for his heart to heal and for hers to finish turning black...

Tiny Bit.

When i was little, my mom used to tell me that when you love someone, you love every very single little piece of them. Even the pieces that feel impossible to love. The darkest places that are so cold and scary... they would be warmed and light would fall upon them. I think that love is the most difficult challenge a person can face. Myself especially. When i love, i love hard. I love with every single piece of me and expect the same in return. In fact, i love so hard i forget other people dont go about it the same as i do.


I need to remember that everyone loves differently...

Village.

I ended something today that really needed to be over with...i'm really impressed with myself but i know that there are quite a few more things that need to come full circle before i can honestly breathe again. I feel like things are out of control and i have no idea who i've become.

Another thing, i think everyone has that one person they cant say no to no matter how hard they try the words never fall off their tongue. To my misfortune i think i've found mine. I always have this great plan of action for ending things and it never works out. I feel the courage swelling inside me but when i try to formulate words it comes out babble..
ok, i have a head ache. good night.

Graduate.

Today marks a new chapter of my life.
In 13 hours i'll be sitting in a gym full of my fellow classmates and their families. I'll walk across a stage, shake a few hands and by the time late afternoon rolls around i'll be a highschool graduate. After that, i can be who i want for the rest of my life. Isnt that absolutely terrifying? But its really liberating at the same time.

I guess theres not much else for me to say... i'm really scared and excited. (: